The Fire Emblem Olympics
by HellfireSupremacy
Summary: Elibe, Magvell, and Tellius are going head to head in an international competition of sporting prowess. Three worlds. Three teams. Let the games begin. NEW: Chapter 6, in which the games go airborne and Naesela makes his triumphant return to awesomeness.
1. Chapter 1: Innes PWNs Shinon

_CosPlayers dye their hair various shades of blue and swing plastic replicas of Armads and Siegmunde and Ragnell. Crazed Fangirls wave banners that read "WE LOVE YOU ERK!" or "ZOMG, LYON HAVE MY BABIES!" or "SOREN IS MY SEXY BISHIE!" Hardcore gamers converse in their unintelligible dielects of 1337-Speak. Some are clearly noobs. Others are major PWNers. They gather by the thousands to bare witness to an extordinary event..._

**HellFireSupremacy: Introducing a series of events that needs no introduction, the Fire Emblem Olympics. Elibe, Magvell, and Tellius are going head-to-head in an international competition of sporting prowess. Three worlds. Three teams. One gold cup. Let the games begin.**

**Oh yeah, one more thing. I don't own Fire Emblem.**

FIRST EVENT: THE ARCHERY COMPETITION

The crowd at Fire Emblem Stadium goes wild as three expert snipers take the field. The lethal beauty Louise represents Elibe. She sweeps back a lock of blonde hair and regards her hearty competition with her violet-eyed gaze.

The haughty Prince Innes of Frelia represents Magvell. He is skilled, but overconfident. The competition hasn't even started yet and already he has judged his fellow snipers as inferiors.

The arrogant mercenary Shinon represents Tellius. He is a commoner by birth and distains the pampered upper crust of society. The prospect of beating a prince and a noble woman in a competition of skill greatly appeals to him.

"ROUND ONE, RAPID FIRE!" announces the master of ceremonies. "Contestants will fire on their targets until time expires. Fastest shooter wins the round."

"My time to shine!" Louise calls out. "You boys don't know what you're in for!"

"GO!"

The snipers open fire on their targets. Louise is the fastest of the three. She fires off more shots than Innes and Shinon combined. And while her accuracy suffers a bit from the speed of her shots, she nevertheless lands enough hits to secure a solid lead in the first round. Shinon comes in distant second. A shocked Innes comes in dead last.

"ROUND TWO, DISTANCE SHOTS!"

At first the three archers appear evenly matched, but as the targets move farther back it becomes apparent that Louise lacks the muscle to keep up with Innes and Shinon. At long distance Innes uses his trademark arc-shot to keep his arrow on course while Shinon struggles to keep up. Eventually Shinon slips and victory goes to Innes in the second round.

"Hah!" Innes blusters. "I may have gotten off to a weak start, but I'm still the best!"

"You wish blue-blood!" taunts Shinon. "I'm gonna make you my bitch in round three. There's no way in hell I'm losing to some stuck up noble!"

"Ignorant commoner, victory will be mine!"

"ROUND THREE, ARENA COMBAT!"

One by one the contestants fight a slew of foes in arena style blood sport. Shinon quickly dispatched all four of his opponents with instant-kill headshots. Louise has to do quite a bit of dodging to get into position for her first shot and consequently winds up breaking a nail, but manages to beat all of her enemies without further incident. Innes doesn't try anything fancy; he just bides his time and takes a shot whenever the opportunity presents itself. Everyone performs well, but in the end Shinon's style clearly wins out over Louise's manuevers and Innes's conservative tactics.

"ROUND FOUR, BALLISTA SHOTS!"

Having received extensive ballista training during his year of service in the Daien army, Shinon wins this round easily. All five of his bolts hit their targets. Innes and Louise each only hit three of their five shots.

"How's that blue-bloods!? Ignorant commoner takes the lead in the fourth round!"

"There's still one more round boor," Louise sternly reminds Shinon. "This match can go any way."

"FINAL ROUND, TRICK SHOOTING!"

Frontrunner Shinon does his trick first. He fires an arrow up in the air and hits it with a second arrow at the height of its arc. The backspin from the impact keeps the first arrow hovering in midair for several seconds. When the arrow stops spinning it falls from its arc and goes into a vertical drop. At the precise moment when the falling arrow is level with the targets in the field, Shinon fires a third shot straight at the bulls-eye. The shot bisects the falling arrow and strikes the bulls-eye dead on. The crowd goes wild.

**ANNOUNCER: THAT'S GOING TO BE A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW. LET'S SEE WHAT MS. LOUISE HAS IN STORE FOR THE JUDGES.**

Louise is next. She loads three arrows onto her bow at once and fires a triple-shot volley, hitting three separate targets with one twang of the bowstring. She repeats the trick three times, hitting a grand total of twelve targets in only four volleys. The crowd goes wild…again.

**ANNOUNCER: TWO DOWN, ONE TO GO. AS OF NOW THE GOLD MEDAL FOR ARCHERY BELONGS TO SNIPER SHINON. WILL THE FIRST VICTORY OF THE COMPETITION GO TO TEAM TELLIUS OR CAN PRINCE INNES PULL OFF A SURPRISE WIN FOR MAGVELL IN THE FINAL ROUND .**

Innes responds to the announcement with a smug smile.

"You bet your ass I can."

With that, Innes proceeds to flawlessly replicate Shinon's trick and Louise's multi-shot and then goes into his own routine.

"I call this the reverse arc-shot. Watch and learn amateurs."

Innes fires ten perfectly spaced arc-shots into the air. The first shot goes the highest. Each subsequent shot travels below the previous one on a shorter flight path. The ten shots converge on a single bulls-eye in reverse order with the last shot fired striking first and the first shot fired striking last. The crowd is awestruck. The stadium erupts in applause.

**ANNOUNCER: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHO WINS THIS ONE. TEAM MAGVELL TAKES THE LEAD IN THE FIRST COMPETITION OF THE GAMES. GIVE IT UP FOR THE FIRE EMBLEM OLYMPIC ARCHERY CHAMPION, PRINCE INNES!**

"SHINON, YOU ASS-CLOWN!" Ike hollered from the sidelines.

Elsewhere in the stadium Ephraim could be heard by anyone who cared to listen boasting "I can do that with my javelins! Innes actually learned that trick from me! True Story." Eirika smacks her twin brother upside the head for being an idiot.

* * *

**NEXT CHAPTER: Tag Team wrestling with Bartre/Dorcas, Murim/Largo and…**

**…Gheb…**

**That's right. Gheb. Captain Fatback is stepping into the ring, and he's going in solo. Sumo Style.**

**

* * *

**


	2. Chapter 2: Gheb Goes Sumo

**My whimsical nature got the better of me while I was writing this at 4:00 AM. At the rate I'm going I may have to change the genre description to humor/parody. **

**Meh. Whatever** **Works.I Still Don't own Fire Emblem.**

SECOND EVENT (PART 1): TAG TEAM WRESTLING

"Alright people, good news bad news time." Eirika announced. The entire cast of FE8 turned expectantly to hear what news the Princess of Renias brought to their locker room.

"The good news is Innes won the Archery competition. We're in the lead..."

The entire room let out a collective whoop (except for Ephraim, who was sulking over in the corner like a little bitch).

"…and the bad news is the next event is tag team wrestling and we don't have any wrestlers."

"What the hell!" exclaimed Ross wasn't my dad supposed to team up with Dozla for the wrestling event?"

"Yeah, about that…" Eirika scratched her head nervously.

"Your idiot father and that maniac berserker he hangs out with nearly got themselves killed playing with fire," Lute cut it. "Apparently they thought they could use anima tomes. Morons. It takes a superior intellect to master the secrets of magic."

"Well that's just great" said Ephraim. "The wrestling competitions in half an hour and we don't have a team. Now what are we going to do?"

"I guess we're just going to have to forfeit," Eirika sighed. "Unless we can find a replacement before the wrestling match there's really nothing we can do."

"What about Gheb?" Lyon interjected.

"Who's Gheb?"

"A low ranking general in Grado's army," Ephraim replied off-handedly. "I fought him at Fort Rigwald. He's a fat asshole and an all around creepy guy."

"That fat asshole is now the premier sumo wrestler in all of Grado," Lyon responded with a hint of irritation. I'll admit he is kind of…creepy…as Ephraim so elegantly put it. But if you need a replacement for the wrestling match he's your man.

"That's only one wrestler though," said Eirika. "This is going to be a tag team match."

"So?" said Lyon. "There's no rule saying you can't attempt to solo a tag match, and to be quite honest, I think Gheb has got a better chance of winning this match-up then Dozla and Garcia combined."

"Well, if he's really that good I don't see any problem with the arrangement. How soon can you get him here?"

"With me and Knoll twin-casting a standard summoning spell, five minutes tops. For you Eirika, I'll do it in two."

"Take your time Lyon," Eirika winked. "Wouldn't want you finishing early again, would we?"

Lyon blushed, muttered something unintelligible, and began conducting the ritual of summoning with Knoll.

…**30 seconds later (Lyon did in fact finish early. Oh the shame!)**

Gheb emerged from Lyon's transdimensional rift thingy in all his morbidly obese glory.

"Why have I been summoned?" Gheb bellowed with a Scottish accent.

"Why's he talking like a Scotsman?" Eirika asked.

"Because the author in his infinite wisdom has seen fit to pay tribute to one of the greatest movies of all time by making Gheb the next Fat Bastard," said Knoll as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Anything else you'd like to say while you're demolishing the fourth wall there Knoll?"

"Austin Powers PWNS."

By this time Gheb was focusing intently on Ewan.

"Uhhh….guys. Why's he staring at me like that?" Ewan backed away nervously.

"He looks just like a baby," Gheb said in his Scottish accent. He was now advancing on the increasingly uncomfortable Ewan.

"GET IN MY BELLY!" Gheb roared. "I'M BIGGER THEN YOU, I'M HIGHER UP ON THE FOOD CHAIN! GET IN MY BELLY!"

"Screw this, I'm out of here!" Ewan yelped. "Keep that freak away from me!"

"I WANT MY BABY BACK BABY BACK BABY BACK…RIBS, I WANT MY BABY BACK BABY BACK BABY BACK…RIBS."

"That's just fucking WRONG," said Ephraim.

"That's Gheb," Lyon sighed. "Crazy fat bastard…"

Bartre, Dorcas, Muraim, and Largo were already at the wrestling pit. The match was staring in two minutes and the Team Magvell was still conspicuously absent.

"Rumor has it that a training accident sent their main team to the medical ward and they had to drag in a replacement at the last second," Dorcas whispered to Bartre. "Looks like their A team is down and their B team has cold feet."

"Probably chickened out when he heard he'd have to fight Bartre the Brave in the ring."

"Yeah Bartre, I'm sure that's what did it…"

At that moment the gates to the arena holding pit swung open and an unbearable stench wafted into the stadium. Several fans in the front row of the stands bent over and vomited. Muraim with his hyper-sensitive Laguz nose nearly passed out.

"Sweet merciful goddess, what is that vile stench?" Largo exclaimed.

"Sorry I'm late." Gheb casually waddled into the wrestling pit wearing only his sumo diaper and his jelly rolls. His fatty-fatty-man-boobs jiggled with each step he took. Still with the Scottish accent he said "I had to take a crap. Great fun you know, nothing like getting a good whiff of your own bran' to make you feel special."

"That's DISGUSTING!"

"That's Gheb!" Lyon called from the sidelines.

**ANNOUNCER: Well, now that Magvell's representative has finished moving his bowels…**

"Wait!" hollered Gheb, who then went on to expel the loudest, longest, wettest, foulest smelling fart you will ever hear in your entire life. The stadium shook and several small animals in the surrounding area died. "Okay, now I'm done!"

**ANNOUNCER: …Right…anyway's, now that everyone's here, on with the show! On a side note mages are advised to avoid using fire spells for the next 48 hours, or until our public health officials can assure us the stadium is clear of excess methane. An accidental conflagration would be…most unfortunate. **

The contenders stepped into the ring and prepared for battle. The second event of the Fire Emblem Olympics was close at hand.

* * *

NEXT CHAPTER: GHEB GOES SUMO ON YOUR ASS!

REVIEWS NOW, OR CAPTAIN FATBACK WILL SIT ON YOUR FACE AND DROP A LOAD.


	3. Chapter 3: Epic Smackdown

**I had given this Fic up for dead. Then inspiration struck in the form of a virile video. Two videos as a matter of fact…**

**YouTube (Powerthirst)**

**YouTube (Powerthist 2: Redomination)**

**I credit whoever made those brilliant and hilarious videos for the writer's spark that brought the Fire Emblem Olympics back from the grave. I don't own their work and I don't own Fire Emblem. I just borrow their ideas.**

SECOND EVENT (PART 2): Tag Team Wrestling

"Hey, Matthew. Come here a sec," Hector whispered.

Matthew's intuition twitched. Hector had a job for him, he was certain. Good. Hopefully it would give him a chance to stir up a little mischief.

"Here milord," Matthew responded cheerfully "How can I be of service?"

Hector pulled his sneaky little thief off to the sidelines for a private chat. "You seen those guys Bartre and Dorcas are gonna be wrestling? The berserker, the tiger man, and the fat asshole?"

"Yeah, I've seen them. Tough bunch," said the thief. "Looks like our boys are gonna take a serious beating."

"That's what I'm thinking. In a fair fight our team loses. But who says we have to fight fair?" Hector grinned "What do we always say about cheating Matthew?"

"It's only illegal if you get caught."

"Good man." Hector patted Matthew on the shoulder and gave him a large rocket-shaped beverage can.

"What's this?"

(Insert Here: mental image of Hector in a body-builder Speedo flexing abnormally large muscles)

"It's an energy drink for the manliest of men. POWERTHIRST: ROCKET EDITION!" Hector shouts at the top of his lungs. Which is kind of silly when you think about it, seeing as how he's trying not to be overheard. "Drink it and you'll win at EVERYTHING FOREVER!"

"Okkkkkayyyy," said a highly skeptical and slightly disturbed Matthew. "I'll get right on that."

So Matthew runs off into the stands, buys a few ales, spikes the drinks with POWERTHIRST: ROCKET EDITION! and hands them off to Dorcas and Bartre. Ah, but there's a problem. Matthew doesn't know the proper dosing. And Hector was too busy marveling at his own godly muscles to give the thief proper dosing instructions. So Matthew just empties half a bottle of POWERTHIRST: ROCKET EDITION! in each mug. Think about this for a sec. That's half a bottle of Red Bull and Crystal Meth mixed with proposterous levels of testosterone (PROPOSTERONE!). Made with lightning, REAL LIGHTNING! All with a dash of Anna Kournikova.

That's waaayyy to much WIN for one man to handle. Unless your name happens to be Fargus or Murdock and you've got the uber manliness. Then you're good to go.

There's another problem. Dorcas isn't allowed to drink alcoholic beverages. Natalie has him so whipped its not even funny. That means both mugs of ale go to Bartre. The big lug winds up ingesting a full bottle of Hector's POWERTHIRST: ROCKET EDITION!

Overdose much? This is going to end well…

So begins the second event of the Fire Emblem Olympics, tag team wrestling. Elibe starts Dorcas and benches Bartre. Tellius starts Muraim and benches Largo. Magvell rolls out the Ghebbernaut. This promises to be one hell of a match…

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!!

The competition is now officially under way. Dorcas tries to drop-tackle Muraim. Fat chance, right? The tiger warrior grabs the charging man by the shoulders, flips him over his head, and slams him down against his back. Muraim then falls backwards and slams Dorcas into the ground. Dorcas stays down. Muraim rises to confront Gheb.

Muraim roars a tiger's roar as he faces down the fat bastard. Gheb responds with a "I'm the greatest guy in the world, and all you sniveling shits would die without me MUAHAHAHA!" roar, which makes Muraim sound like a purring kitten in comparison. With no further ado, Gheb belly bounces Muraim into a side post and knocks the tiger silly. While Muraim is still dazed from the impact, Gheb waddles over and knocks him out cold with a powerful headbutt. Dorcas gets back up and tries to jump Gheb from behind while he's distracted with Muraim. But Gheb is crafty in the ways of the brawl. He knows Dorcas is going to come at him from behind, so he squeezes off a nice wet one to cover his rear. Dorcas instinctively moves down wind and runs straight into Gheb's outstretched fists. Dorcas goes down…again.

"Aye, All according to plan," the Fat Bastard laughs.

"Tell me did you plan on this fat man?"

"…Eh?"

A really pissed off Muraim leaps up and gives Gheb what shall henceforth be known in the Guiness Book of World Records as the mother of all urple-nurples. Seriously, we're talking about a tiger's claws breaking skin, bleeding out the nipple owie here. It's that bad.

"ARGGGG, My man-boobs! My beautiful, beautiful, man-boobs." Gheb roars "You'll die for that you filthy beast!"

Gheb throws an elbow at Muraim's face and knocks him back. Muraim punches Gheb in the gut, but the blow just bounces off his jelly rolls. Gheb laughs and kicks Muraim in the 'nads. Dorcas finally does something useful: he breaks a chair over Gheb's back and punches him in the kidney. Gheb butt-slams Dorcas in the solar plexus, spins around, and slaps him wih his jiggling man boobs. Which are still bleeding from Muraim's urple-nurple. That's right, Gheb beats Dorcas down with his ass and titties. Because he can.

Dorcas doesn't like getting beaten down by big, sweaty man-titties. He grabs those man-titties in a crush grip and pulls those huge globs of fat off to the side so he can get a clear shot at Gheb's chest. And then he round-house-kicks that fat asshole right in his sternum.

The great Chuck Norris is impressed with this…creative…application of his craft, and thus bestows his blessings on Dorcas so that he may strike a mighty blow against the Ghebbernaut. Dorcas's blessed round-house-kick strikes the fat bastard right where it hurts, in the ribs. Gheb hasn't gotten a whooping that bad since Ephraim shoved three feet of Reigenlief up his ass at Fort Rigwald and worked him like a puppet.

But I digress, this isn't about Ephraim. This is about Muraim, Dorcas, and Gheb beating seven shades of shit out of each other, and they're all doing a very good job of it. Dorcas is clearly out-matched by his competition, but he fights hard and he has his moments. Muraim consistently kicks ass. And Gheb…well. Gheb is just Gheb, nuff said.

Of course, this is a tag team event, so eventually they have to sub in their partners. Muraim goes first, he tags in Largo after Gheb sits on his face and rips ass. Honestly, how's a beast laguz supposed to respond to that? At that point you pretty much have to switch out, the only other option is to shift into tiger form and maul the fat bastard's face off. Which is highly illegal and would result in instant disqualification for Team Tellius, so that's really not a good alternative is it?

So Largo's in the ring and he's performing well enough. He fights as good as Muraim, only without the super sensativity to Gheb's gas attacks. No major changes there. But eventually Dorcas gets tired and has to sub in Bartre. That's when all hell breaks lose.

Keep in mind that at this point, Bartre is solidly drugged up on an entire bottle of POWERTHIRST: ROCKET EDITION. He enter's the ring with his eyes rolled back in his head, foaming at the mouth, shaking unconrollably with pent up ENERGY! (ARRRGGGG!) ENERGY!

Gheb and Largo stop pumelling each other just long enough to take a hard look at this new combatant and recoil in terror. They both know what's coming and they know it's not going to be pleasant. Bartre rips his shirk off Hulk Hogan style, shouts some unintelligable taunt, and procceeds to have his way with Gheb, then with Largo. He mercilessly beats Gheb from every angle, painting every jelly roll on his morbidly obese body black and blue. Bartre then grabs Gheb by his mohawk, whips the fat bastard around a few times, and hurls him straight into poor 'lil Largo. The berserker and the fat bastard both go flying into the stands.

Bartre then does a silly backflip and procceeds to run around in a circle screaming that his skin is on fire. Shortly thereafter he vomits, shits himself, and drops dead from a triple heart attack.

**WRESTLING EVENTS: FINAL RESULTS**

**1st Place: Team Tellius **

**2nd Place: Team Magvell **

**3rd Place: Team Elibe (Disqualified from the event for cheating)**

**MORAL OF THE STORY: If you have Matthew trickery on your side you will win everytime. Unless you get caught by a judge, then you're screwed. You may also die.**

**Next Event: Dance Off with Ninian, Tethys, and some FE9/10 character that has yet to be specified. I'm open to suggestions, right now I'm leaning towards Elincia or maybe Sanaki, if for no other reason than I think it would be hilarious to watch the apostle bust a move. And who says it has to be a female dancer, Naesela seems like he could get down with a chill beat. Got any better ideas? Send and tell in your reviews. Like I said, I'm open to suggestions.**


	4. Chapter 4: Soulja Boy Devdan

**Another update, just in time for the real Olympics in Beijing. So much defective crap coming out of China lately, let's hope those athletes don't drop dead from lead poisoning. And oh my God, have you seen the air pollution over the stadium grounds. I heard on the news that they're going to have to wear protective masks while they're competing. What nonsense is this? In hindsight maybe China wasn't such a great choice. **

**Whatever, I'll leave the running of the real Olympics to the pros. Here's my crappy FanFic imitation. It's good for a few chuckles. I still don't own Fire Emblem, but that's never stopped me before has it?**

THIRD EVENT: THE DANCE-OFF

In the run up to the dance competition, the athletes of Team Tellius find themselves in a now familiar dilemma. On the one hand, Largo and Muraim just won two gold medals for wrestling and their entire crew is drunk with victory. On the other hand, concern over the next event weighs heavily on team spirit. Tellius has no professional dancers to speak of, whereas Elibe and Magvell are fielding the best of the best. You don't have to be a tactical genius like Soren to figure out how this one's going to end.

"Forget the professionals," Ike addresses his fellow athletes. "Do we have _anyone_ on this team who actually knows how to dance?"

Dead silence greets the team captain. Dead silence and a chorus of chirping crickets.

"Anyone? Anyone at all?"

"I could dance, dance, dance the night away in my prime Ike. 'Course these old bones can't move like they used to, but I swear if I were 200 years younger I'd wipe the floor with these youngsters."

"That doesn't help Nealuchi."

"…I'm just saying…."

"Oh, shut up you senile old crow," Janaff squawks. "You just try to lay a move down, we'll see how long it takes you to break a hip. Ike, if you need a dancer I'm your man."

Ike is skeptical to say the least "Janaff, Since when can you dance? I didn't even know hawks could dance."

"Silly beorc, we of the bird tribe are all natural born dancers. Some would say it's our avian grace…"

"I'll say it's a load of horse-shit," Shinon cuts in. "What are you going to do bird-brain, woo the crowd with your awe-inspiring mastery of the chicken dance?"

"What's wrong with the chicken dance?" Janaff rustles his feathers in indignation.

"Oh my god, don't tell me you were actually going to…" Shinon bursts out laughing. "Stupid sub-human, you were going to go out there and flap your wings like a retarded chicken weren't you? Bwahahahaha! What a douche!"

"I'm sorry, what was that?" Janaff cups a hand to his ear and pretends he didn't hear a single word from Shinon. "I didn't quite get that, Innes's bitch says what now?"

That shuts Shinon up faster than Ilyana's bowels after seven helpings of Mist's magic meatloaf.

"Well that was a colossal waste of time," Ike sighs. "Seriously guys, come on. We need a dancer, like right now, or we have to forfeit the event."

"I can do ballet," Sanaki volunteers.

"Not a chance," Ike answers flatly.

"But whyyyyyyyy?" the little brat whines

"Because with all due respect Empress, no one wants to watch you prance around in a pretty pink tutu…"

"I do," a not-so-secret admirer gives her a scandalous wink.

"See, he does!"

"Okay, Naesela doesn't count. No one important wants to…"

"You know Ike, I do have my own island nation and one of the largest fan-bases in Fire Emblem history. It's bigger than yours if you cut out all the Soren yaoi and S.S.B.B. errata."

"As I was saying Empress, no one_ important_ wants to watch you prance around in a pretty pink tutu."

"…Whatever," Naesela slicks back his hair and folds his wings. "You wish you were this cool."

Sanaki crosses her arms and pouts. Ike just ignores her. "Sorry kid, the truth of the matter is ballet is just too damn boring. If we want to win this thing we need something on the cutting edge. Something no one in our medieval fantasy universe has ever seen before. Something new and exciting, something…" Ike turns to Devdan and grins "…something totally _ghetto_."

* * *

ANNOUNCER: LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IT'S TIME FOR THE THIRD EVENT OF THE FIRE EMBLEM OLYMPICS: THE DANCING COMPETITION! REPRESENTING TEAM ELIBE, THE DRAGON GIRL NINIAN!

"_I thought I told them not to use that stupid title_," whispers an irate Ninian.

"_Just go with it,"_ Eliwood whispers back "_Do what you do best. They're going to love you." _

ANNOUNCER: REPRESENTING TEAM MAGVELL , THE DESERT BEAUTY TETHYS!

"_I got this one in the bag commander," _Tethys appraises her competition. "_Look at her, she's just a little girl. Elibe's little bitch-dragon ain't got nothing on me, and Tellius doesn't even have a dancer. I'll win for sure!"_

"_Do what you gotta do Tethys," _says Gerrik. "_We're all rooting for you."_

ANNOUNCER: REPRESENTING TEAM TELLIUS, THE BADDEST MUTHA FUCKA ON THE WEST SIDE, GIVE IT UP FOR MAH HOMEBOY DEVDAN!"

(Cue the ridiculously loud hip-hop/rap soundtrack. Take your pick from your favorite gang-banger tunes to set the mood for this one.)

"What the hell?"

"What is this shit…is this music?"

With that, a pimped out chariot with rims and spinners pulls up into the stadium. The horses pulling this monstrosity are wearing FLAVOR FLAV viking hats and enormous clock-necklaces. Out of the chariot steps the one and only Devdan. His hair is puffed up into a three foot tall afro. His pants are halfway down to his knees. He's covered from head to toe in bling-bling and he's got a mouth full of grills. He takes the stage with Ninian and Tethys and hollers "YEAAHHHHHH BOOYYYYYYY!!" to the crowd. Then he starts spouting of vulgarities in Ebonics.

"Oh come on now! That's just embarrassing..."

"This is more offensive to the senses then that fat man's odor."

ANNOUNCER: DANCERS, SHOW US YOR BEST MOVES. BRING IT ON, NINIAN!

Ninian goes through her whole routine of special dances. She pulls out every move she's got: Nini's Grace, Filla's Might, Thor's Ire, Set's Litany. She's graceful. She's fleet of foot. She's awe-inspiring. The crowd loves it. Tethys's jaw drops. She can't do any of that.

ANNOUNCER: BRING IT ON, TETHYS!

Tethys does the only thing she can do. She belly-dances like an exotic prostitute. Her dancing is top-notch, better even than Ninian's. But there isn't any variety to it. The crowd grows bored quickly.

ANNOUNCER: BRING IT ON, DEVDAN!

The music switches over to a steel pan melody as Devdan takes center stage. He starts bouncing on his toes and cranks back three times from left to right. Then the tune picks up and the _real _dancing starts…

_Soulja Boy up in it OH!  
Watch Me Crank It, Watch Me Roll.  
Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja Boy,  
And Super-Man Dat Ho!_

And with that, Devdan goes nuts. He does the entire Soulja Boy dance, super-man glide and all. He breaks it down at the end with a mad remix and just starts break-dancing all over the place. By the end of the performance he's standing on one hand with both his legs bent forward over his head. The crowd's never seen anything like it before. The stands erupt in applause.

"_This is no good," _Ninian thinks to herself. _"My dancing is too much like Tethys's dancing, our appeal cancels out and this clown Devdan steals the show. That's so unfair. One-on-one I could beat both of them, I know it. If only there was some way I could knock that little whore out of the running."_

"Call her out!" Nils hollers from backstage. He knows exactly what his big sister is thinking.

"…Hm?"

"Call her out!" Nils hollers again "This is a dance-off, if Tethys can't handle your moves she gets eliminated by the judges."

"Do it Ninian!" Eliwood throws in his own words of encouragement. "You're better than her and you know it. Serve that bitch up!"

"_Serve that bitch up,_" Ninian grinned. She'd love nothing more than to do just that.

ANNOUNCER: DANCERS WILL NOW PROCEED TO ROUND TWO, IN WHICH…

"Wait!" Ninian yells at the time of her lungs. "Tethys, I'm calling you out! One-on-one, my moves against yours. Loser gets booted off the stage."

"Little girl," Tethys laughs "You can't just…"

ANNOUNCER: ACTUALLY, SHE CAN. JUDGE'S RULING.

Tethys visibly pales. Now Ninian's the one laughing, and it's not a nice laugh either. "Good bye Tethys. Been nice knowing ya."

Ninian moves her body in the rhythmic waves of a Jehanna belly-dance. Her movements aren't as smooth and graceful as Tethys's, but that's to be expected seeing as how Tethys has had years of practice, whereas Ninian is just trying this particular dance for the first time today. In any event, the movements flow naturally enough to show Ninian's skill and versatility as a dancer.

"Now you try mine," Ninian mock-smiles. "Good luck with that."

Easier said than done, right? Tethys stumbles her way through the simplest steps of the dragon dance. She can barely keep her footing as she runs through the motions of Nini's Grace and Filla's Might. Halfway through Set's Litany she falls flat on her face. The crowd boos and jeers her performance.

Tethys just got SERVED! And under this author's rules, that means you can stick a fork in her 'cause she's DONE! It's just Ninian and Devdan now.

ANNOUNCER: TEAM ELIBE AND TEAM TELLIUS WILL NOW GO HEAD-TO-HEAD IN ROUND 2. THE RULES ARE SIMPLE. TWO DANCERS, ONE DANCE. FIRST DANCER BUSTS A MOVE, SECOND DANCER REPEATS AND ELABORATES. FIRST DANCER TO MISS A MOVE LOSES THE ROUND. FOR THE WINNER, THERE'S A GOLD MEDAL WITH YOUR NAME ON IT. DANCERS! SHOW YOUR MOVES!

From here on out, things get crazy. The competition is taken to a whole new level as Ninian and Devdan have to learn each-others best moves on the spot, and the sharp contrast in their dancing styles leads to more than a few scenes of extraordinary buffoonery. You've got Devdan rubbing his own non-existant breasts, stretching his legs out at angles man-parts should not permit, and rhythmically rocking his body like a shaman in a trance. Then you've got a break-dancing Ninian, doing back-flips, handstands, and windmills in a skimpy little sleevless dress. To say that she's not dressed for the job would be the under-statement of the century. I mean come on, let's face it folks, that thing was NOT meant to be worn for this type of dancing. Where's that dress going when Ninian's on her hands with her legs swinging in the air? On that note, Sain's whistling and howling from the sidelines. Ninian makes a mental note to freeze his head in a block of ice.

Ultimately, Ninian wins. Turns out Devdan can't do a full split after all; he has a little something called balls that get in the way. The gold medal goes to Elibe this time around, but Tellius put up a hell of a fight.

Team Magvell never even stood a chance. Tethys is garbage. She should kill herself.

* * *

**So yeah, in case you couldn't tell I really don't like Tethys. Couldn't tell you why, there's just something about her that rubs me the wrong way. **

**Next Chapter: I dunno. I got a few ideas that I've been throwing around. Obviously there's going to have to be a Marcus/Seth/Titania Jeigan-fest. And I'm really liking **AdConsequentiam**'s ****Tactician Battle suggest, I might try that at some point. Another idea I've been working on: Professional Poker, Highest Stakes, with Farina/Joshua/Makalov. Don't know if I could drag that out for a whole chapter, but it seems like something fun to try on the side. **

**Reviews as always are always appreciated. Leave them in the box next to Gheb's sumo diaper and Devdan's afro-sheen. **


	5. Chapter 5: Many Random Things

**This isn't so much a coherent chapter as a collection of random thoughts that popped into my head while I was watching the Beijing Olympics. ZOMG, I'm actually using real events this time. Normal formatting and narration will resume in the next chapter. So if you liked the previous four chapters but you think this one is garbage, fear not! The six-piece sampler will most likely be a one time deal. **

**I still don't own Fire Emblem. If I owned Fire Emblem I wouldn't be writing stories, I'd be making games. **

Chapter 5: Many Random Things

Thus far we have celebrated Innes's triumph over Shinon in Olympic archery, held our noses as the fat bastard Gheb wrestled his way to the middle in tag-team wrestling, and stood speechless as Devdan matched Ninian's moves in competitive dancing (we do not speak of the epic failure that is Tethys, that filthy belly-dancing whore.) Undoubtedly these have been the high-profile events of the Fire Emblem Olympics, due either to intense competition (as was the case for archery) or gross spectacle (as was the case for wrestling) or some combination of the two (as was undoubtedly the case for dancing). Amidst such memorable moments as Ike calling Shinon an "ass-clown" and Gheb blowing out half the arena with his flatulence, one may be tempted to cast aside the unsung heroes of the Fire Emblem Olympics. Those who dominated their events so completely and demolished the competition so swiftly that there was no real story to tell afterwards; their achievements have yet to be celebrated. In this chapter we pay these champion athletes the homage they deserve.

MEN'S GYMNASTIC CHAMPION: RANULF

They came. They saw. They conquered. The so-called "sub-humans," of Gallia were quick to establish themselves as super-human contenders in the quest for Olympic gold. Because when it comes to nimble movements and perfect balance, you just can't beat a cat. Ranulf's entry into the event sparked a great deal of protest from rival athletes for just that reason.

"I don't think it's fair that Team Tellius can use athletes who aren't even human," Elibe's champion gymnast Jaffar told reporters, after getting completely upstaged by Ranulf's superior feline acrobatics. Remember people, this is Jaffar we're talking about. The man never talks, ever, so you know he's REALLY pissed when he's worked up the gall to spout-off in front of a live camera. "That would be like if Nergal made a special morph for the sole purpose of kicking ass in sports. Like sticking Sonia in a wet T-Shirt contest or something, how are us mere mortals supposed to compete with that?"

Fair or not, the judges have ruled that Laguz athletes can compete in any event as long as they don't shift into their animal form at any point in the competition. "We knew coming in we were going to dominate gymnastics with our Gallian athletes," says Ike, team captain of Tellius. "I don't see what the big deal is, we won because our best was better then their best, plain and simple. Why's everyone getting all worked up over it?"

Ranulf for his part has been gracious in his triumph, showing good sportsmanship towards international rival and silver medalist Jaffar. Sothe of the Dawn Brigade secured the bronze, rounding out the top three and further demonstrating his team's dominance in the sport.

FACT: Newton's Fourth Law states that it is impossible for Sonia to lose a wet T-shirt contest.

WOMEN'S GYMNASTIC CHAMPION: LETHE

Once again, a cat laguz sweeps through the gymnastics rotation and brings home a gold medal for Team Tellius. Lethe's toughest competition came not from international rivals Karla and Marisa, but from her own teammate and sister Lyre. Lyre finished a close second to big sis, blowing away all human competition and proving once and for all that the cats own Fire Emblem gymnastics. Marisa won the bronze.

Lethe for her part has not been nearly so gracious a champion as Ranulf. In fact, if you ask Lyre, she'll tell you her older sister is being a complete bitch about it.

"Beorc gymnasts are slow and clumsy. There is no challenge in beating them," Lethe hisses to the camera crews. "Beorc legs are skinny and weak, not good at all for running and jumping. And their balance is absolutely terrible, we laguz always land on our feet. Beorc make it look like such a chore when they do it. And what's with these ridiculous outfits," Lethe claws at her leotard. The elastic one-piece is a bit too…tight…for her tastes; too tight and way too revealing. "What retarded beorc outfitter designed this piece of crap, and where is he so I can sink my claws into his throat?"

"I actually kind of like it," Lyre purrs and strikes a sexy cat-girl pose. "Look at how pretty I am Lethe! Ranulf just has to notice me now, he just has too!"

"I swear to God Lyre, you're adopted…"

FACT: Lyre does in fact look gorgeous in a one-piece. Lethe just looks pissy and agitated. Kinda like she alaways looks, only worse.

MEN'S SWIMMING CHAMPION: DART

Women's swimming actually had some highly competitive races. Nothing of the sort on the men's side; one champion stood out from the rest and consistently kicked ass every time he entered the pool.

The foul-mouthed pirate Dart trashed the competition, swimming full body-lengths ahead of silver medalist Ross and bronze medalist Boyd in backstroke, breaststroke, butterfly, and freestyle. Dart won four gold medals for Team Elibe, and plans on winning four more in his next go-round.

Unfortunately for Dart a heavy shadow of doubt and suspicion hangs over his otherwise flawless victory, thanks to a certain Powerthirst scandal from earlier that day. Allegations of doping have dogged him from the moment he won his first race. Dart denies all such charges and told our reporters he's never used any performance enhancing drugs.

"This right here," Dart grunts and flexes his muscles, "This is just mad upper-body strength like you wouldn't believe. You'll never see these guns on a land-lubber, clean or dirty." Dart tightens his abs, throws out his arms, and strikes a strong-man pose in his cap, goggles, and Speedo. "This is the body you get when you spend your days swimming with a 20 pound axe strapped to your back; shimmying up the side of pirate ships and toughening up in bar-fights. That's how we roll on the Dravos, AM I RIGHT FARGUS!

"Yarrrr," the pirate captain does a shot of rum and chucks his empty glass at the crowd of reporters pestering Dart, "We be manliest of men."

It turns out Dart was on several illegal substances when he swam his raises, but the judges let him keep his medals anyway because none of them were "performance enhancing." If anything, Dart's illicit drug use made him slower.

Pirates. Go figure.

FACT: Marijuana is actually considered a performance enhancing drug by the International Olympic Committee. ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME!? Have you ever seen a hardcore stoner; does anything about them look "enhanced?" Then again, Jamaica did dominate the track and field events this year. One has to wonder.

WOMEN'S BOXING: VAIDA

Vaida didn't just beat her competitors. She beat them within an inch of their sorry-ass lives and left them for dead, face down in a pool of their own blood. Vaida knocked out silver medalist and second place runner-up Tanith in five rounds. Sigurn did well enough to win bronze. Magvell's women didn't even qualify.

Tanith was later asked what if felt like to fight the best female boxer in the world. The Deputy Commander of Bengion's pegasus knights reportedly said "It felt like she was raping my face with her fists." Our reporters were too terrified to ask the gold medalist herself what she thought of her victory.

Again there was controversy, this time stemming from that burning question all veterans of FE7 have asked themselves at some point in their Fire Emblem career: Is Vaida really a women? Our judges say yes, so we'll just stick with that. Lest we push our luck and upset the creature.

FACT: Vaida can kill you with her bare hands.

JAVELIN THROW: EPHRAIM

Wow, would you look at that? Turns out Ephraim isn't completely useless after all. He can throw his javelin further than any other lancer in the Fire Emblem Olympics. Actually, that's pretty impressive when you consider the sheer number of lancers qualified to compete in this event. Every knight and their mother can throw a javelin. _Florina_ can throw a friggin javelin. But apparently Ephraim can throw his really, really far. Good for him. The most one-dimensional lord of all time can do something right when he's not worshipping at the altar of chivalry or being parodied by yours truely.

As one would expect for this particular event, Ephraim had some rough (if not necessarily exciting) competition. Sain's javelin arm won the silver medal for Team Elibe, proving that while he may be a complete doofus he's at least worthy of his title as 'The Green Lance.' Although, I've always been of the opinion that a more appropriate title for Sain would be 'The Blue Balls.'

Speaking of blue balls, Gatrie won the bronze. Haar probably could have done better, but he slept through the entire event. Lazy bastard.

FACT: Sain thinks "throwing the javelin" is some kind of kinky sexual innuendo. Accordingly, he signed up for the event under the porn-star alias "Sir Long-Rod von Hugendong." It is unknown at this time whether this is an actual nickname that the Green Lance earned at some point in his life, or just another product of his overactive, sex-crazed imagination."

FENCING CHAMPION: EIRIKA

Eirika won the gold medal in fencing. No surprises there; her only real competition was silver-medalist Eliwood of Pherae. That's not to say there weren't other competitors. En contraire; no less than eight swordmasters wielded rapiers in the qualifying heat, fighting for a chance to take a swing at the lordly champions of Elibe and Magvell. But in the end most of them just weren't any good. Edward and Mia were the only ones who handled their rapiers well enough to make the final heat, and neither one of them could beat Eliwood or Eirika. Edward preformed well enough to take home the bronze for Team Tellius. Mia is now convinced that Eliwood is her "white-robed rival" and is hell-bent on facing him in a duel at dawn.

Eliwood took his loss gracefully. He's use to getting his ass kicked by a girl, courtesy of Lyn, so getting trounced by Eirika didn't come as too much of a shock to him. Eirika had some interesting thoughts on the matter, and a steamy proposition for her second place runner-up. Here's how that went down…

**EIRIKA: You were good, but I was better.**

**ELIWOOD: I know.**

**EIRIKA: That doesn't bother you at all? You don't mind getting slapped around by a strong woman?**

**ELIWOOD: Not in the least.**

**EIRIKA: That's hot. **

**ELIWOOD: Really?**

**EIRIKA: Yeah, we should hook-up some time.**

**NINIAN: Back of hussy, he's mine!** (blasts Eirika with the Dragon-Slaying Uber Fimbulvutr of Death and Almighty Pwnage)

**EIRIKA: Call me!** (Drops Dead)

Don't worry folks, she's just unconscious! Lyon will patch her right up in no time. Though let that be a lesson to all you fangirls. Stealing a dragon-girl's boyfriend: Very Bad Idea. Spreading rumors that said boyfriend isn't committed to the relationship and actually has a secret gay-lover: also a Very Bad Idea.

FACT: Everytime you indulge in Eliwood/Hector yaoi, Ninian murders an adorable little puppy. Please think of the puppies. Say NO to yaoi.

**STILL TO COME: Jeiganfest, Tactician's Battle, Racing Events, and Mage Wars. It's already going down inside my head. I'm just waiting for that next spark of inspiration so I can show it to the world. Until then, keep the feedback coming.**

**Until next time, HellfireSupremacy signing out! **


	6. Chapter 6: Enter the Crow King

**HellfireSupremacy: Alright, before we start the show I have to run through a point of clarification. As you may or may not know, the last thing I wrote before posting this chapter was a snuff fic in which I tortured and killed Naesela. **

**Naesela: Gruesome stuff. I'd say it's the creepiest thing anyone's ever written about me if I didn't know about the shit that goes on in the Yaoi forums. I'll take a slow and painful death over Tibarn's man-love any day of the week. **

**HellfireSupremacy: Yeah, what he said. Anyways, you all know about the ridiculous Naesela abuse that went into the making of that last fic. What you**_** don't**_** know is that Naesela himself actually approved the project. You see, I do business with the Crow King and we struck a little deal behind the scenes. **

**Naesela: I gave Hellfire a blank check to rip me a new one. In exchange for the privilege of shitting on my good name… **

**HellfireSupremacy: You don't **_**have**_** a good name. **

**Naesela: Okay then, in exchange for the privilege of ripping on my badass reputation, we came to an agreement that the next thing Hellfire wrote would pay homage to my awesomeness. Low and behold, the next thing he wrote was an update to the ever-popular Fire Emblem Olympics…**

**HellfireSupremacy: Which means the next event has to be the flying race, and at a bare minimum the next two chapters must be largely about Naesela and the many reasons why Naesela is the shit.**

**Naesela: HellfireSupremacy doesn't own Fire Emblem. I'm King Kilvas, and I approve this chapter!**

**Chapter 6: Aerial Racing (Part 1)**

"3:59:04, NEW RECORD!"

Marcia touches down on her Pegasus and looks up at the scoreboard, a broad smile plastered across her face. Teammate and fellow sky-knight Jill runs up and gives her a congratulatory hug.

"That was amazing Marcy, no one's ever cleared that course in less than four minutes! You beat Florina's record by at least 2 seconds!"

"That was passably decent at best grunt," Coach Tanith killjoyed her underling's celebration. The knight captain was still sore from her punch out with Vaida and not in a particularly good mood. "You're still not good enough to beat Elibe."

"Of course I am, I just set a record for the course! I'm the best!"

"Oh for the love of…how many times have you run this course in the past week Marcia? You're here every single day, rain or shine, training at first light. How many times have you finished the course in under 4:03?"

"Uhhhhh…..let's see. Once just now, twice this morning, a few times last night..."

"That's great, really it is. NOW SHUT UP AND PAY ATTENTION!" Tanith barked. "Florina, Fiora, and Farina got their combined flight time under 12:08:00 on nine out of their last ten runs. You're good Marcia, but the Ilian's are consistently good and you're fooling yourself if you think one freakishly good run puts you on the same competitive tier as Florina or her sisters."

A previously concealed spectator chose that moment to make his presence known with a round of mock-applause. A second, much smaller spectator runs out from underneath his wings. "Bravo Tanith. Brilliant insights to be sure, and you're just so magnificently qualified to tell Pinky she's not good enough to face Elibe. You didn't just get your face messed up by Vaida, I totally imagined that entire fight."

"Naesela, stop mocking my holy guard. I command it!"

"Empress," Tanith bows. With a grumble, she hastily adds Naesela's crown title. "Have you come to observe the team's progress?"

"Actually," Sanaki peels off her bulky apostle's robes to reveal a Number (29) Team Tellius uniform, "I'm here to compete. I want to try out for the racing team."

At this Marcia bursts out laughing. Tanith gives her a good smack to the head. Jill's smart enough not to say anything.

"I…don't think that's such a good idea empress. You've never even rode a Pegasus without me or Sigurn," Tanith chooses her words carefully. "You're not exactly an experienced flier."

"Oh, don't worry I'm not going to be riding a Pegasus. I'm riding Naesela."

"And I'll be bringing the gold medal back to Kilvas after we clinch first place."

"Not going to happen," Tanith says decisively "I as your bodyguard forbid it, for your own safety."

"But…"

"…No but's Sanaki! The apostle's life cannot be recklessly endangered for sport. What if you fall? What if he drops you?"

"Come on, have I ever once dropped her?"

"That's not the point!" Tanith shouted. "How are you even going to keep her mounted? Competing laguz aren't allowed to formshift."

"So?"

"So!? How are you going to take an 80 mph U-turn in standard form with my Empress draped over your shoulders? Explain to me how that's going to work!"

"We found a loophole," Naesela tosses Tanith a copy of the official judge's manual.

Tanith quickly flips through the 400 page tome of bureaucratic gobbledygook. There's no doubt it's the real item. So there's also no doubt it was obtained illegally, since only judges are supposed to carry them. Idiot crow! Was he _trying_ to get the entire team disqualified?

"Page 234 ruling 502.76b," Sanaki recites. "Riders count as athletes. Mounts do not. Rules and regulations applicable to athletes don't apply to mounts unless specifically stated elsewhere in the manual."

"Basically," the crow king concluded with a hint of innuendo, "I don't count as an athlete as long as Sanaki's on top and I'm on bottom. I can stay shifted the entire time and the judges can't do shit about it. All the rest of the team has to do is cross the finish line and we'll win. I'm just that good."

"Excuse me!?" Marcia yells. "All _we_ have to do is cross the finish line? You haven't even made the team yet feather-brain!"

"We're going to make the team, right now. Just as soon as Tanith gets out of our way."

"I still think this is a terrible idea," Tanith growls. "Apostle Sanaki, are you absolutely certain you want to go through with this? It's your choice; You don't have to feel pressured just because the Crow King wants to show off his speed."

"No, it's not like that at all!" Sanaki vigorously shakes her head. "I want to compete; I've been looking for a way to enter one of the events ever since the dance-off. I mean, actually entering the air race, that was totally Naesela's idea. But I wanted to do it too, he didn't make me!"

(Cough) "That's what she said." (Cough)

"Shut up crow," Tanith groaned. She still had a splitting headache and a sharp pain in the gut from her match-up with Vaida. She needed Naesela's chatter like she needed another punch to the face. What she _really _needed was a good night's sleep and a bottle of Oxycontin. "You know what…just…do what you want with her. Alright? Both of you, do whatever you want. I don't even care anymore."

"Tanith? Heyyyy, Tanith! Where are you going? Aren't you going to watch me fly?" Sanaki whined.

"Oh, but haven't you heard," Naesela smiled slyly. "She's going off on her own to track down that thief from the other team."

Tanith winced. How the hell did he know that? Reluctantly, she looked the crow king in the eye, and he shot her a look that she understood to mean _**yes Tanith**_**, **_**I have enough dirt to blackmail you for the remainder of your short beorc life if you keep pushing my buttons, so knock it off**_**.**

"She's looking for the cheater, Matthew?" Sanaki looked up at her partner confused. Not angry or surprised, just confused. "Why? He's not more important than me!"

"Because Empress," Tanith grimaced and rubbed her temples. "I have a headache the size of Duke Tanas, and Matthew has my…my medicine." Naesela suppressed a snorting laugh. Sanaki still looked really confused.

"And Tanith's going to go get her medicine, and I'm not going to talk about it, because Tanith's not going to bother me when I try to do things alone with the Empress," Naesela spoke just cryptically enough to go over Sanaki's head. "Right Tanith?"

"Alright, I see how it's going to be. Naesela! I'm trusting you with the Empress's safety," Tanith sighed in defeat. It pained her to have to use the words "Naesela," "trusting," and "the Empress's safety" in the same sentence. Hopefully Matthew had a pill for that too. "I'm leaving. Take care of her, or you can add me and Sigurn to the list of characters who want you dead."

"That's a long list," Naesela smirks. "I don't think there's any more room for you."

"Then don't screw this up because if you do, and something happens to the empress, the holy guard_ will_ kill you."

"Good to know Tanith. Now scram, go pop some pills before you start getting grumpy."

Tanith bowed to her Empress, mumbled something under her breath about how much she hated crows, and ran off to find Matthew. Along the way, she met up with Sigurn.

"Alert the holy guard," Tanith advised. "We may have a security breach."

"How so?"

Tanith pointed over to the take-off and landing zone for the aerial races, where Naesela could now be seen rising into the sky with Sanaki on his back.

"Is he going to…"

"…Yep"

With her on his…"

"…Yep"

"He does know she's never been more than 300 feet off the ground, right?" Sigurn watched skeptically as the Crow King carried the empress well beyond her field of vision. He was above the cloud cover now. That meant he had to be taking her at least five miles up.

"Yeah, somehow I don't think that ever came up."

"…"

"…"

"GOD DAMN IT, I hate crows!"

"Join the friggin club…"

* * *

**HellfireSupremacy: Yeah, so I think I just officially made Naesela my new muse of comedic mischief. Sorry Matthew, you've been dethroned.**

**Matthew: Bullshit, you know I'll be back in the limelight as soon as you start updating your FE7 fics. **


End file.
